I have been brought to my knees since October 7, 2023. Each moment a new wave of emotion – overcome with grief, anger, confusion, sadness, and despair at every image, story, phone call, text and even, most especially, in the dark crevices of my mind. My well of tears seems to be infinite.
Being Jewish is complicated and beautiful – our traditions are rich, meaningful, and have kept us connected and rooted to our ancestors and our history – it is also, at times, scary. This is one of those times. As a Jewish woman who has been told I “look Jewish” my entire life with people often lovingly teasing me about my “Jew fro” and my “Jewish nose.” I have never been able to walk through the world without it.
Anyone who is Jewish will tell you stories of times that they have seen or encountered anti-Semitism – it’s a given. We have armed guards at all of our places of worship, it’s not uncommon to find a swastika spray painted on the side of a building where Jews congregate, and we have all endured the occasional Jewish joke cracked by friends or acquaintances at a party. It’s so commonplace and accepted that I became blind to just how insidious it really is…until now. Now, I cannot unsee how woven into the fabric of modern society it has become and how political and polarized our existence has become. This realization is the fear that is gripping and terrifying Jewish people across the world. It is also triggering the intergenerational trauma that nearly all Jews carry within their hearts and within their DNA. It’s hard to even put it into words.
I am not writing this to be political or even engage in any level of debate or discourse. What I have gleaned from the dark side of social media this week is that most, though not all, people are firmly rooted in their beliefs and are willing to vilify anyone who is not aligned with them. It’s been intense and scary out there.
I am writing this to be seen by you – my friends, my community, and the world. I am writing this to share my humanity and my personal experience as a deeply compassionate and caring Jewish woman, who also happens to be half Lebanese and who has spent most of my life and all of my career dedicated to growth and healing – both my own and others. There is nothing more confusing and hurtful than when your lived experience is not mirrored back to you from your loved ones, community, and even the world. Since October 7th I have felt that pain and confusion time and time again, as have most Jews you know. We are not okay.
In spite of this fear and despite the stark and terrifying realization that anti-Semitism is far more pervasive than I could have ever imagined, my heart still looks for hope…
I have been thinking a lot about the recent eclipse and the synchronistic timing in which it coincides with all the pain and destruction that has been happening in Israel and Gaza. The definition of an eclipse is “an obscuring of the light from one celestial body by the passage of another between it and the observer or between it and its source of illumination.” In some ways this is exactly what has been happening in the Middle East, not just now, of course, it has been happening throughout history, but at this moment in time we are in the midst of an eclipse of the heart and soul of our people.
Hatred and fear have risen out of the shadows and have cast a darkness in our hearts that for many of us it makes it difficult, at times, to see the light and goodness that still exists in the world. What I am so struck by in this parallel is that the darkness doesn’t actually destroy the light but rather it only obscures and most importantly, only temporarily makes the world go dark. And, in fact, it is the very darkness that makes us even more aware of the power of the light when it emerges again and helps to illuminate the shadow parts that live in all of us.
It is a well-known fact that during an eclipse you cannot directly stare at the sun without protection or you will damage your eyes – literally your ability to see. Similarly, we cannot face fear, hatred, racism, sexism, xenophobia, and anti-Semitism that live both within others and ourselves without our own protection or we won’t be able to do what is being called from within us. For those of us who are physically safe right now, we must find our way to be courageous enough to do our own inner work, engage in difficult conversations, feel our uncomfortable feelings, tend to our broken hearts, and move through those difficult emotions so we don’t get stuck in shame, anger, or even the dehumanizing of others. When we shut our hearts and minds to the pain of others, we have also shut our hearts to ourselves.
I am trying, as always, to make sense of what is happening in the world, find the good, and see this time as an opportunity for growth and hopefully, eventually, healing. From trauma to transformation. What I have come to understand is that the darkness is the very thing that allows us to see the light – allows us to see the goodness – and often wakes us up and energizes us to embody and be the light that we all truly are. May we each continue to be beacons of light and illuminate the world with our fierce love, compassion, and understanding while staying committed to a path of growth, healing, and peace.
